


dominoes of confession

by Chillykins



Category: Prison Break
Genre: F/M, but it's never too late to be honest, it turns out that secrets are bad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-05
Updated: 2019-06-05
Packaged: 2020-04-08 01:53:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19097365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chillykins/pseuds/Chillykins
Summary: After breaking out of Sona and starting preparations to bring down the Company, Alex decides to call Pam and do his best to explain himself. The two have a long overdue conversation.





	dominoes of confession

**Author's Note:**

> this guy takes place between 3x13 and 4x01 because there's no way the two went from "forget i exist" to "if you want to be with someone you just be with them" without something in between

Alex knows he should leave Pam be. He’s already taken her through enough emotional roller coasters, bringing her hopes up with his before forcing them to crash when something in his life goes wrong again. The distance he’d created is like before, when they divorced. Except it’s not like before, because then they still communicated from time to time, if only to discuss Cameron’s care. This time, Alex had told her to forget about him. To cut him out of their lives entirely.

At the time of the call, he hadn’t regretted the content. She couldn’t be allowed to continue looking for their vacation plans, because he wouldn’t be able to meet them. Most likely not, anyways. The only way to have Pam drop those plans without asking questions had been to be as harsh as he’d been on that day he’d told her to leave the house. More firm, even, to make up for the fact he hadn’t been able to keep the tears creeping down his cheeks and leaking into his voice.

Now, though...he’s free. He’s finally free. Apart from the fact he has to keep his head down to avoid being arrested, that is. And even though he’s working with Whistler and Morgan to bring down The Company, it doesn’t really count because it’s a job he wants to do. Needs to do, really, to make up for his past actions. Even with that going for him, Alex can’t face the idea of living out the rest of his days without so much as a phone call with his ex-wife or their son. He doesn’t expect her to forgive him -- he won’t be surprised if she refuses to talk, for that matter -- but he owes her an explanation. And maybe, just maybe, she’ll agree to return to where they were immediately after the divorce. Distant, but still close enough to stomach talking to each other.

The way they were before he’d been naive enough to believe the world would allow him to put the broken pieces of his family back together.

And she’s responded to an emotional phone call before, hasn’t she? The message he’d left just before heading out to the desert to find Michael? Except then there’d been nearly a year’s worth of time for Pam to grow used to not having him around. Answering the call wouldn’t have taken as much emotional energy. Not like this one, not when they’re just about a week removed from him telling her to forget his existence.

He doesn’t expect this call to be as successful as the one back in New Mexico. He might not even hear Pam’s voice again. It’s no less than he deserves. But this isn’t about what Alex thinks he may or may not deserve. It’s about what he knows Pam deserves. He’d called her back then for a long overdue explanation, or at least a surface-level one. That same motivation drives him again, his only consolation being that he’s reaching out to her sooner. Not that it gives him any additional hope that his reaching out will be received well.

Alex, Morgan, and Whistler are staying in some property that Morgan owns. He isn’t sure if it’s truly hers or if it’s The Company’s, but he doesn’t really want to know. His two allies -- he refuses to think of them as companions in this plan and certainly not friends -- are working on some of their final preparations to retrieve the Scylla card. As Alex’s job is just transportation, he decides it’s as good of a time as any to slip out and make the call. After all, there’s a chance the job will go south. And he doesn’t want this need to contact Pam weighing on him if it does. If he does miss anything, he trusts the two enough to let him know, as they’re all equally invested in this scheme.

It doesn’t escape his notice that his hand isn’t trembling as he dials Pam’s number, as it had been the week prior. The weakness had been more from grief than the start of withdrawal, though his lack of veratril certainly hadn’t helped. But now his hand is steady, a testament to how far he’s come from the night he’d laid on the floor, shaking uncontrollably. He has a rough idea in his mind of what he’ll say. It’s possible he’ll throw it all out the moment he hears Pam’s voice, but he hopes the guidelines will lessen the chance of him messing this up even more, if that’s possible.

The dial tone has already begun by the time Alex lifts the phone to his ear. He’s torn between wanting Pam to pick up and wanting to have to leave a message. Neither one offers much of an advantage over the other, but the second one will at least put off him having to listen to her tell him to leave her alone, if that’s how it all plays out. On the other hand, only the first one guarantees him a chance to explain himself. Who knows if Pam will even listen fully to a message once she recognizes his voice, though Alex likes to think she’d grant him at least that.

The longer the ringing goes, the more sure he is that he’ll be forced to leave a message. He’s never known Pam to answer a call at the last moment. She’s always been on top of communication, especially once Cameron’s birth. If she’s not picking up, she’s not by her phone. Sure enough, he’s directed to her voice mail. Just hearing her recorded message twists his heart. This can’t be the only way he can hear her. Taking down The Company will occupy him for a bit, but after that? He doesn’t like the feeling of looking down the rest of his life without Pam in it, one way or the other.

“ _This is Pamela Mahone. I can’t pick up my phone at the moment, but leave me a message and I’ll call you back when I can. Thank you!”_

Alex is so focused on her voice that he loses a couple of seconds of message time. He’ll have to be even briefer than he’d originally planned, then.

“It’s me,” he says. It’s strange, once again calling her from a number that she won’t recognize. “I know there’s a good chance you never wanted to hear my voice again, in which case I guess you can go ahead and stop listening to this. I’m calling because I owe you an explanation. An apology.”

He pauses, wondering how much time he has left. It will be easier, in a cowardly way, for him to be able to leave everything for her to hear. For him to not have to hear any negative reaction she might have to his words. But that won’t give him closure. For better or worse, he needs to know where Pam and he stand.

“I know there’s probably nothing that’ll make up for what I’ve done to you, but I have to try. I don’t have enough time in this message to go into detail, so you’ll have to call me back if you’re willing to hear me out. I might be in the middle of something when you do, but I swear to you, Pam, I’ll pick up if I can.”

There’s so much more he has to say. He can’t say it all now, though. Not just because of the time limit, but because if he lays out all his cards on the table, Pam won’t have a reason to call him back.

“I just...I’m sorry, Pam. You deserve so much more than what I’ve given to you this past year. Whatever you may think of me now, just know that I’ll always love you, and all I’ve ever wanted is for you and Cameron to be happy and safe.”

Sure, he won’t mind being happy and safe himself, but if the Shales and Fox River cases have taught him anything, it’s that he’s willing to live in hell as long as his ex-wife and son have their own sort of heaven.

He decides to end the message there, rather than end with some sort of plea. While he feels one in his chest, he doesn’t want to pressure Pam. If she decides it’s best for her and Cam to never reply, then Alex will accept it. Not with any pleasure, but he’ll do it. Whatever’s the right thing for them becomes the right thing for him, no matter how much it may hurt. Alex pockets his phone, lingering out in the back for as long as it takes him to push down the emotions that had crept out during the duration of his message. 

* * *

It’s been a couple of hours, and Pam still hasn’t called back. Considering Alex doesn’t know the circumstances that kept her from answering the phone in the first place, he isn’t sure when to start believing he won’t receive a reply. The other problem is the play for the Scylla card is coming closer. Even though he’d said in the message there would be a chance he couldn’t answer, Alex doesn’t want it to come to that. Playing phone tag isn’t a good way to get points across.

He’s about ready to accept the worst when his phone rings. He pulls it out of his pocket. The name on the screen? Pam. When Morgan demands to know who he’s talking to, Alex simply stares at her before walking out of the room. If either she or Whistler think he’s turning on them, they haven’t been paying attention. He doesn’t owe either of them anything, least of all insights into his personal life. They’re together for as long as it takes to snatch the Scylla card and send The Company up in flames. After that, they’ll all go their separate ways, and Alex will do his best to forget that the group ever existed.

“Pam,” he greets as soon as he flips open his phone, heading outside again. “I’m glad you called.”

There’s a pause on the other end of the line, as if Pam is trying to figure out whether or not she feels the same.

“You said you have an explanation?” she says finally.

“I do.” Alex waits to hear if she says anything more, but when she remains silent, he starts his piece. “I was in Panama working a case when I called you last week. I got close to finishing it, but then one of the guys I was chasing framed me for a crime, and I ended up in jail.” He’s still not telling the full truth, but he’s not lying either. If this is their last conversation, he doesn’t want to ruin Pam’s opinion of him any more than he already has. “That last call...I didn’t know how long I’d be locked up. And I thought it would be easier for you and Cam if you just moved on.”

“You thought it would be easier if I told Cameron that you didn’t want to see him anymore?” Pam asks, without any real menace. More like disbelief. Confusion. Calling Alex out, as she always does, when he’s not thinking straight.

“You could’ve come up with something,” he says, even though she’s right.

“It was hard enough explaining to him that we were moving out. The only thing that kept him happy was knowing that he’d still see you.”

Alex rubs at his eyes with his free hand. What else could he have done? Told her the truth and risk her coming out to see him at Sona, seeing that hellhole and the state he’d been in? Maybe she would’ve been compassionate. Probably, even. But what would she have done with Cameron? As sick as the idea of Pam being anywhere near Sona makes Alex, he can’t stand the thought of his son being there too. With all of The Company agents crawling around no less.

“It was the only thing I could think of,” he admits. “I know how you felt about me bringing work home. I didn’t want you to have to see what I’ve dealt with since.”

“Alex,” she says, and just hearing his name in her mouth makes Alex want to abandon the plan entirely and go to her. “There were two reasons I didn’t like you focusing so hard on your files at home. One was Cameron. The other was you. I could see what it was doing to you. It wasn’t just pulling you away from us. It was _changing_ you. And I was worried.”

It takes all of his focus to not give a bitter laugh. If only he’d listened to her in the early years of their marriage. Maybe he’d be with her and Cameron now if he had.

“Yes, I didn’t like having to see all of that on our kitchen table,” Pam continues, “but that didn’t mean I wanted you to feel like you had to start hiding things from me.”

Oh, if only she knew half of what he’s been hiding from her over this past year.

“I married a military man who became a federal agent. I knew there’d be some dark days, but I didn’t care, because I loved you.”

“Is that really past tense?” Alex asks before he can stop himself.

“I don’t know. All I know is that I can’t keep doing this, Alex. You saying something terrible and then leaving for a while just to come back with an apology. I’m not saying that I don’t think you mean it, but I just…” Pam lets out a breath. “I can’t keep doing this,” she repeats. “It’s not fair to me or to Cam.”

“I know,” Alex says. “I know. And I’m sorry. I wish that we could go back with me knowing what I know now. But we can’t.” This time, he can’t keep back a wistful laugh. “I never should have let this happen.”

Pam doesn’t reply right away, leaving him some moments to gauge how the conversation is going. She doesn’t sound angry, which he decides to see as a plus. The borderline exhaustion in her voice, though...if she agrees to let him back in, even just with phone calls, he can’t cut her off again. He’s already done it twice. Two times too many. A third time and he’s sure he won’t be able to make amends.

The problem is he hadn’t intended to do it either time -- certainly not the second time -- so can he really promise that he won’t find himself in a situation that requires the same action? He’s still in the thick of it, fighting The Company. It’s not hard to picture something happening that will make him feel the need to protect his ex-wife and son through isolation once again. But Pam is right to push him. Maybe there’s a way for him to do both this time. After all, he’ll have easy access to a phone. It’s not like he’s preparing to be locked up.

Her next words break through his thoughts so cleanly that it takes him time to fully absorb what she had said.

“While you were in Panama, someone with the Bureau came by to ask me what I knew about Oscar Shales. He told me about what they found in our...in your backyard. What you’d done.”

Alex swallows. “He didn’t bother you, did he?”

“No. He figured out pretty fast that I didn’t know anything.” Pam hesitates, then pushes on. “Shales disappeared right when you asked for the divorce. Is that why?”

While Alex hadn’t intended to come this clean over the call, he can’t deny that it makes him feel lighter to have one less secret. And this secret is the one that leads directly to all the other ones. A domino effect of confessions.

“It is,” he says. “And it’s why I yelled at you that day in the garden. You were standing too close to where _he_ was. I’d lost count of how many nightmares I had of him crawling out of the ground and grabbing you or Cam, and I just...lost it. I knew it wouldn’t work, the two of you living with me there.”

“You killed a man and buried him in the yard,” Pam says.

“I did. I was going to turn him in, but he started bragging about what he’d done and how he’d manage to get out of jail one day and I snapped.” Alex can hear the lack of regret in his voice and can only hope Pam understands his reasoning. “I know I should’ve kept it together. But at the same time, I made sure he wasn’t going to hurt anyone again. My only regret is for what it led to.”

“What did it lead to?” Pam asks, voice neutral and giving him no hint as to how she’s taking the news that he’s a murderer.

The first domino hits the second as Alex explains Kellerman pulling him under The Company’s umbrella. This is the first time Alex has told anyone the full story, let alone someone he cares for. It sounds crazy, like he’s been reading too many conspiracy novels. He’s never been one for storytelling, though, nor lying directly to Pam, so she’s surely hearing the truth in his words. Since she knows the truth about Shales, Alex’s hesitation to go through the deaths of Abruzzi and Apolskis and Patoshik is minor.

He can swear he hears a muffled sniff from the other end of the line as he gives the true reason for Cameron’s broken leg. While it shows that it had been his fault, it also demonstrates just how much of a mess Alex had landed himself in. It shows why he’d attempted to be responsible for another life lost before everything had truly begun to spiral out of control. For all of the complications in his life over the past year, it doesn’t take him long to lay himself completely bare.

“This is what I was trying to keep you out of, Pam,” he finishes.

“Would you have told me any of this if I hadn’t brought it up?” she asks.

“...I doubt it. I wouldn’t have wanted you to have to carry it around, and...and I didn’t want to tell you anything that would make you hate me more.”

“I’ve never hated you. I’ve been scared and lost, but I’ve never hated you, Alex.”

“You should,” he can’t help but say. “If you did, I couldn’t blame you.”

“You’ve done a lot of bad, but that doesn’t cancel out the good.”

It’s much easier for Alex to remember the bad -- the gunshots, the blood, the lives ruined and taken -- than the good. He’d left everything good in his life behind the moment he requested the divorce.

“You’ve just been doing what you thought was right,” Pam says. “Your heart has always been in the right place. It’s just your head that’s wrong.” There’s actually a hint of humor in her last sentence.

He flashes a smile even though she can’t see it. “Never thought I’d hear that.”

“You’re too busy trying to keep everyone safe that you don’t see how they see it,” she continues, serious again. “When you keep secrets like that, you’re not giving them a choice. You didn’t let me decide for myself whether I still wanted to be with you. You pushed me away, you pushed _us_ away, and there was only one way I could’ve interpreted that without you telling me the truth.”

“I know.”

The conversation tapers off. They’ve said their pieces, and now Alex isn’t sure where to go next. Even the thoughts far back in his brain are out. This is the way it should be. Everything in the open for Pam to see, for her to make that decision that he’d robbed her of before. For the decision to be based on all the evidence. In love, though, the evidence doesn’t matter. He knows that. If he’s hurt her badly enough for her to not want to talk again, it doesn’t matter if she believes him and accepts his actions.

“I’m working to bring The Company down,” he says, breaking the silence, feeling obligated to say what he’s in the middle of now.

“Are you safe?”

“As I’ll ever be. I’m laying low.”

“Be careful.”

That means she still cares, right?

“Is it okay if I call you again?” Alex asks, not particularly wanting to rush the moment of truth, but knowing it needs to be done.

He can’t tell if Pam truly waits long to reply or if he’s just so anxious that he’s stretching time in his mind.

“Yes,” she says finally.

“Yeah?”

He can picture the smile on her face as she replies, “Yeah.”

If he’d felt light before after telling her the truth, her reply has turned him into a feather. “I’m glad you said that. You have no idea how much it means to me.”

“You could tell me,” she suggests.

And in accordance with the rest of the honesty in their conversation, he does. “It means everything to me. My life isn’t the same without you and our son. It isn’t any good.”

“Ours is better with you in it than out of it, Alex. The real you. Remember that, okay?”

“I will. I meant what I said before. I know what’s important now. And I’m not going to push you away again without an explanation.”

Perhaps it’s not the promise she’s looking for, but it’s the only truthful one he can make.

“Okay,” she says.

“Okay,” he echoes. He hears raised voices from inside the building and gathers that there’s a disagreement about the plan. “I need to go now, but I’ll call you later. Tell Cam I love him.”

“I will.”

“And Pam?”

“Yes?”

“I love you too.”

It’s the longest time he’s ever had to wait for her to return the sentiment. If not for the lack of a click indicating so, he would think she hung up. But for the first time in over a year, he hears Pam reply, “I love you.”

He’s hesitant to end the call now when it’s going so well, but it seems as good of an ending as any. So he hangs up, though stares at the phone for several moments after, absorbing every second of their conversation, the good and the bad.

And then he walks back inside, more ready than ever to eliminate The Company, now that he has the promise of continuing -- rebuilding, even -- his relationship with Pam and Cameron to keep him going once his job is done.


End file.
